To My One and Only, Dear Left Ear,

I know you tried to keep our hearing. I know you tried so hard for so long. You battled against the Meniere’s beast with reckless abandon. You fought hard against the inhumane, vicious, violent vertigo attacks. Together we struggled. Together we cried beyond a thousand tears filled with hope, asking for mercy, until we had no more tears to collect in our bottle of deep sadness, of stolen dreams, of a normal life to live.

‘Why?’ we asked. ‘Why us? Why anybody?’  But there were no answers.

Our world of hearing became muted, little by little. Stolen under stealth within vertigo attacks, leaving nothing but the impossibly incessant loud tinnitus as the flat line of hearing loss took hold – a confirmation of deafness – my brain desperately searching for some sort of hearing, but finding none, so instead, it made up its own sounds; a symphony of incessant annoying pitches, squeals, drones, beeps, cicadas, bees, waveless oceans, electrostatic buzzes, louder than anything I could hear with my remaining hearing ear.

Dear Left Ear, I acknowledge that you bravely and fiercely battled the Meniere’s monster since 1995, with all of your might. An internal battle unseen with the oppressive, invisible, incurable illness. But it wore you down, until you had no more to give. And I thank you for your huge effort in fighting for us.

I heard it too, when the audiologist said in 2019, that we had little to no hearing, then called you a “dead” ear. My hand gently touched you and traced your outline after that blow to the heart.

“Dead”. It’s such a final word. Complete. Absolute.

“It’s not dead, just dormant!” I wanted to yell. But I didn’t, as my heart cracked, the brutal sting of that word cutting so deeply I wanted to cry. Yet, it made me realise how much I loved you, even though we had been to the deepest, darkest pit of depression together, grappling for hope, desperately searching for a cure for Meniere’s disease, so I could have you back with your miracle of hearing so profound and miraculous.

Meniere’s disease. The cruel and unforgiving Meniere’s disease. It takes and never gives back…

Dear Left Ear, we are rising against the Meniere’s monster with a vengeance. No longer will we live our life in submission to the incurable illness. It may be incurable, but we can take a stand. We can take action. We are going to take control of our life. Our life. We won’t let Meniere’s decide our path for us and continue to beat us while we are down.

This is war!

Dear Left Ear, together, we will take back what is ours. We will no longer have vertigo. We will be able to hear again. We will resuscitate your heart of hearing, and tinnitus will be drowned out with sounds of voices, music, and the harmonies of nature.

The battle line is drawn. Our swords unsheathed.

Meniere’s Weapon – 10 years of violent abhorrent vertigo.

My Weapon – Balance cells destroyed in 2004 by gentamicin, to stop the vertigo (after many other attempts using natural products, acupuncture, sound therapy, medications and medical procedures etc), then vestibular rehabilitation – battle won.

Meniere’s Weapon  – Hearing loss and tinnitus.

My Weapon – Cochlear Implant to restore hearing and eliminate tinnitus.

Let the hearing battle begin!

Dear Left Ear, let’s do this.

With love,

Julieann

P.S. We must never forget the medical practitioners who have helped us on this journey. Without their care, compassion and expertise, we would not even be able to enter the battle arena. 

P.P.S. We must never forget our friends and family who have supported us on this journey. Without them, we would not be able to enter the battle arena.

About this blog …

My Shadow, Meniere’s, is not just about the physical aspect of a Cochlear Implant – you can research about them online. I am sharing the human side of the journey towards a Cochlear Implant – feelings, appointments, the process, apprehensions, successes, highs and lows as I step into the next chapter of my Meniere’s journey.

I am mindful of those who also have incurable diseases or are walking the path of a diagnosis that is life changing. My blog never aims to undermine the severity of anyone else’s illness, disability or journey. We all deal with life with different tolerances, attitudes and thresholds.  ‘My Shadow -Meniere’s’ is my journey. It is my hope that it can help others with Meniere’s disease, or hearing loss, or simply when life has a plot twist.

I also acknowledge those before me, who have already had a Cochlear Implant. Your experiences, advice and suggestions are welcome.