Tag: Meniere's Disease

Dear Mama, I see you wiping your wet eyes

.Reading time 10 minutes.

Dear Mama,

I see you.

I see you wiping your wet eyes.

I see your tears dripping onto the pillow.

I see you wince at sounds that you say are too loud.

I see you, lying on your bed, staring at the wall, as still as a statue for a very long time. Why can’t you move?

And when you are as still as a statue, I hear you vomiting loudly. It scares me. When will you get better?

I see you walking and nearly falling over.

I hear you crying in the shower.

I hear daddy crying, too.

It makes me sad.

I want to hold your hand.

Here, Mama. Have my magic wand. It will cure you. And then we can play together like we use to … before you got sick with many ears.

From your favouritest-est daughter,

Lucy-Lou

P.S. I love you Mama, to the furtherest-est sparkliest star and back. P.P.S. Please get better.

Do you ever try to hide your tears from your child?

Your crying?

Your sounds of frustration or anger?

Do you think you have hidden those emotions well enough from your children, because you don’t want them to know how you truly feel?

What if your child caught a glimpse of you at your time of vulnerability?

How would your child react? How would you react?

I have to admit. I cried in the shower. I cried in the middle of the night.

I wiped my tears the moment I heard the footfall of my children as they came near.

And when I was bed-bound due to violent vertigo from my Ménière’s disease, my husband or my parents would take care of my kids, keeping them busy to reduce the impact of my incurable disease upon them.

And sometimes, just sometimes, one of my three kids would quietly stand beside my bed and hold my hand for a moment in time. A moment in time that meant the world to me.

There’s a new book out. An important book. Not just for people who suffer from Ménière’s disease, but for anyone who has or has had vertigo, hearing loss or tinnitus.

The global Meniere’s community has a goal – to stop that vertigo, that tinnitus, that hearing loss, not just for people with Meniere’s, but for all people from all walks of life.

Money raised from book sales will be donated to research.

Imagine not having vertigo anymore.

Imagine not having tinnitus anymore.

Image hearing loss being a thing of the past.

Can you dare to imagine being you again …

Dear Ménière’s has been labelled as extraordinary, a life changer and a much needed book by early readers. It’s available at online bookstores as a print book and eBook

Here’s some links to Amazon:

Hardcover www.amazon.com/Dear-Menieres-Letters-Global-Project/dp/064515816X/

Paperback www.amazon.com/Dear-Menieres-Letters-Art-Project/dp/0645158178/

eBook www.amazon.com/Dear-M%C3%A9ni%C3%A8res-Letters-Art-collection-ebook/dp/B0C4VG8HFY/    

And now to inject some humour for our kids – Captain Vertigo.

Finally, enjoy some letters to Ménière’s …

Dear Ménière’s,

I wish I could stand at the ends of the earth, where the winds blow swiftest, and feel the gentle sway caused by the blowing, not by my lack of balance, and have the winds blow away the tinnitus and the brain fog.

To have, for just one moment again in time, the silence of sound.

The clarity of mind.

To feel energised by life and not drained by it.

I imagine standing on a windswept shore. The noise I hear is the rustle of seagrass, the blowing of the southerly wind, the heave and heft of the ocean. Sea salt and sand pepper my skin. The incessant ring in my ears is quiet, drowned out by the oceans song or swept away, I neither know nor care, I cannot hear it.

The salty air fills my lungs, its brusqueness blows away the ever present fog in my brain. Thoughts, swirling vaguely in my brain, come to the forefront. They take shape, as clear and sharp as the broken shells beneath my feet. I’m not moving through a miasma, I’m as clear as the sun shining through the water that rolls onto the sand and back out again.

Each deep breath clears more fog from my head and returns more of me to myself, as if the real me lives out there in the ocean, waiting to be breathed in on the winds.

I miss who I was.

Kelly

Ménière’s disease since 1998

Without Warning

Here it comes.

Deep breaths. Find your focus.

Radiating tremors. Vision blurred.

For a brief moment, numbness.

Knowing the dark wave is about to consume you.

Deep breaths. Screaming inside,

“NO! Please God, not again. Not here. Not now.”

White knuckles desperately trying to hold steady.

Sweat pours. Heart racing.

Every line bends. Every curve vibrates.

Close your eyes and it will find you.

Even in darkness you twist and turn.

Gut is writhing in distress.

So violent yet completely invisible for others to see.

Empathy is shared with whispers of doubt.

Solace too far to reach.

Independence lost.

Dignity robbed.

A bright future shadowed in fear.

In time, tremors dissipate and vision clears.

Th e agony is rewarded with short lived joy.

Without haste, the crippling fear of the next one looms.

Micaela Grady

Written 9/8/2021

Ménière’s disease since 2007, Vestibular Migraine: 2021

Dear monster,

You are …

AKIN TO SHIT on a shoe trodden through a carpeted home,

A 6 HOUR LONG podcast with a voice so monotone.

Like riding a bike with a constantly falling off chain,

A summer garden party that is RUINED BY THE RAIN.

The spilt glass of water that calculatedly covers one’s crotch,

Like paying for Netflix then discovering there’s barely anything good to watch.

The SOGGY WET SOCK and also the HOLE IN THE BOOT,

Like discovering HALF A WORM after biting into some fruit.

A SALT AND VINEGAR CHIP on a fresh paper cut thumb,

The APPROACHING BEAST IN THOSE NIGHTMARES where we are unable to run.

Truth is, you are SO MUCH WORSE than all these examples by a mile,

This is me keeping it light, and trying my damn hardest to CREATE A SMILE.

Colin (That Monster Ménière’s)

Diagnosed, 2019

Instagram: @that_monster_menieres

A massive thanks to Anne Elias (Sydney Meniere’s Support Group www.instagram.com/menieres_support_au/),

Heather Davies (Meniere’s Muse www.instagram.com/menieresmuse/)

Steven Schwier (On the Vertigo www.instagram.com/onthevertigo/)

for helping with the Dear Meniere’s book.

Julieann Wallace is a multi-published author and artist. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary teacher. Julieann’s 7th novel with a main character with Meniere’s disease—‘The Colour of Broken’—written under her pen name of Amelia Grace, was #1 on Amazon in its category a number of times, and was longlisted in 2021 and 2022, to be made into a movie or TV series by Screen Queensland, Australia. She donates profits from her books to Meniere’s Research Australia, where they are researching Meniere’s disease to find a cure. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

Julieann Wallace ~ author (julieannwallaceauthor.com)       

www.instagram.com/myshadow_menieres/

www.instagram.com/julieann_wallace_

A Time of Gifting – from me to you

.Reading time 3 minutes.

As Christmas draws closer, I am reminded of all those years where I would start to worry about whether I would be unwell, and have a four hour vertigo attack on Christmas day, ruining everyone’s plans, or whether something I ate would set off a cluster of vertigo attacks, debilitating me for nine days out of fourteen.

Thankfully, gentamicin injected into my middle ear in 2004, destroying my balance cells, stopped my Meniere’s vertigo attacks – an answered prayer. But sometimes, in the back of my mind is always the thought, “What if the vertigo returns?”

I have to consciously choose not to focus on that thought, instead, focussing on the positives. So here’s something I’d like to gift to you.  

I’d like to gift you a FREE eBook copy of my bestselling novel that has been raising awareness about Meniere’s disease, which shares similar vestibular symptoms that COVID patients have experienced – vertigo, hearing loss, brain fog, tinnitus …

I pleased to say that ‘The Colour of Broken’ was longlisted earlier this year (2021) to be made into a movie or tv series.

And it has been an Amazon #1 in its category, three times.

Grab a copy and see what all the fuss is about. It’s FREE on the 23rd, 24th and 25th of December, 2021.

It’s downloadable on iPhone, iPad, android tablets, android phones, or on your computer. Here’s the App: https://www.amazon.com/b?ie=UTF8&node=16571048011

If you read the novel, I hope the story touches you where you need to be touched.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas filled with joy and thankfulness.

XX Julieann

Julieann Wallace is a multi-published author and artist. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary teacher. Julieann’s 7th novel with a main character with Meniere’s disease—‘The Colour of Broken’—written under her pen name of Amelia Grace, was #1 on Amazon in its category a number of times, and was longlisted to be made into a movie or TV series by Screen Queensland, Australia. She donates profits from her books to Macquarie University, where they are researching Meniere’s disease to find a cure. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

‘Tis the Season to be … anxious …

.Reading time 10 minutes.

I love Christmas. I love the childlike, contagious joy. I love the happy, and sometimes emotive music. I love the delicious baking aromas dancing through the house. I love the colourful decorations, the shiny baubles a grand temptation for our family cat and mini dachshund.

But, I don’t like the work gatherings. Three in five days this year.

I dislike not being able to strategically choose where to sit where I know I will have a better chance to hear to participate in conversations. I struggle with the unknown event planner sitting me at a table where conversations are bouncing around me, left and right, behind, in front, and back and forth, sometimes words heard, sometimes not.

I loathe the loud noise surrounding me, as I try to tune into the drowned-out conversations, the excess noise competing with the limited hearing in my good ear and it’s hyperacusis, and my cochlear implant in my Meniere’s ear.

I grapple with the embarrassment of asking someone to repeat themselves. Once. Twice. Sometimes three times.

And I deplore feeling like a fake, pretending to be a normal person who is perfectly happy, like everyone else seems to be as they enjoy every moment, while I sit there as a wobbling pool of anxiety that makes me want to flee from the room.

I hate being an observer, looking for who is talking … the unremitting, tiresome watching … watching how other people are reacting to what is being said that I cannot hear properly. Should I fake smile now? Should I pretend to laugh now? Should I look crestfallen now? Should I shake my head from side to side like others now? Should I nod, now?

I despise being the copycat, and the battle of trying to fit in.

I hate … how utterly exhausting it is.

And I resent how it makes me feel. Like I’m not good enough. Like I’m an add on. Like the others are just being polite to me.

I hate what Meniere’s has done to me. I feel like I am living in a world where I don’t belong. A misfit.

I feel like I am a spectator to a life that is full of colour, while my shadow, Meniere’s, drains the colour from my life.

And then I feel disappointed in myself.

I should be thankful that my vertigo was destroyed by gentamicin, also destroying my balance and having to relearn to walk using my eyesight. I should be thankful that I have a cochlear implant. I should be leaping with joy that I can still teach in classrooms of teenagers, guiding them, helping them to grow their wings so they can be whatever they want to be in life.

But, my work friends and colleagues (whom I love and adore) don’t know how exhausting it is trying to fit in with their photobooths, their conversations in a loud background environment, their misbelief that perhaps my life is as normal as theirs, when in fact my struggle is exhausting, riddled with the poison of life destroying anxiety.

They don’t know how, when I go home, I have to pick up the pieces of me that are breaking off to the reality that I feel like I don’t fit in. That I will never be normal. Like them.

They don’t see me as I melt into a pool of self-pity.

How do I ask my generous employer for an exemption from the compulsory celebratory gatherings? How do I explain I don’t want to go to the extravagant, lavish, work celebrations to stop the physical, emotional, and psychological fallout? How do I explain these social gatherings make me want to run from the room, or sink into a corner where I can be invisible? How do I explain that I don’t want to go so I don’t have to suffer my own personal after-celebration post-mortem of overthinking, and tears? How do I explain that I don’t want to go, to stop me waking at 3am, hating being me, and hating my shadow, Meniere’s.

And then I think … the person who others think I am, the version of me they see at work, is entirely my fault. I’m exceptional at covering up my disability and my invisible illness. 26 years of Meniere’s. I’ve had a lot of practice. They can’t see me working hard to keep my balance. They can’t see me working hard to have a conversation with them. They don’t see my cochlear implant, hiding beneath my hair.

And then I remember…

I am a survivor. A fighter. What I have been through with Meniere’s disease is heartbreaking. Devastating. Life changing.  

I suck in a breath and hold back my tears …

But still. I so hate this. I so hate what Meniere’s has done to me, and what is has done, and is doing, to others.

I think back to the advice I generously give to others, reminding myself to use it –

  • Change your mindset from negative to positive.
  • Look for the small triumphs.
  • Celebrate the small wins.

I’ve done it a thousand times before. And I must continue doing it …

Well, I did do it! I survived three social celebrations in five days, as physically exhausting as it was. I’m thankful to be invited. It would be worse to be left out. I connected with another work colleague who is deaf in one ear. I asked her how she was going with all the noise, thinking how blessed I am to have a cochlear implant. I watched as normal hearing people struggled to hear conversations, me sometimes hearing the conversation better than them with my Cochlear Implant! And I had very patient friends and colleagues who did repeat words for me, and understood. And I thank and honour them for their kindness.

If you’re reading this, finding yourself nodding your head with perfect understanding, and even perhaps, tears falling, remember, if you are going to a social event, you can do it! I totally get what you are going through. Look for the helpers. Look for the good things that happen. And … forgive yourself. Forgive others, for they do not understand. Be kind to yourself – intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally.

Good things are coming … I know it.

Julieann Wallace is a multi-published author and artist. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary teacher. Julieann’s 7th novel with a main character with Meniere’s disease—‘The Colour of Broken’—written under her pen name of Amelia Grace, was #1 on Amazon in its category a number of times, and was longlisted to be made into a movie or TV series by Screen Queensland, Australia. She donates profits from her books to Macquarie University, where they are researching Meniere’s disease to find a cure. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

Purchase ‘The Colour of Broken’: print book & ebook or audiobook (narrated by the incredible Heather Davies)

Purchase ‘All the Colours Above’: print book & ebook

Purchase ‘Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 month’: print book

https://www.facebook.com/julieannwallace.author

https://www.instagram.com/julieann_wallace_/

https://www.instagram.com/myshadow_menieres/

A Gift for Christmas

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Meniere’s disease – a manic, violent, debilitating, depressing, disgusting, deplorable, despicable, devastating, damaging, distressing, diabolical monster of a disease that makes you vulnerable and defenseless. It takes, and never gives back.

It’s now 26 years of living with my shadow, Meniere’s. But once, Meniere’s was not just a shadow, it was a monster, as it wreaked havoc in my life, sucking out every ounce of happiness I had, throwing me into the deepest, darkest pit, searching on my knees for the missing pieces of me.

In 2002, after a particularly violent and long vertigo attack, I cried under the running water of the shower. There, my gut wrenching sobs would be muffled, and my tears would become invisible as I tried to hide my deep sorrow, and absolute exhaustion of faking being well. I didn’t want my three children to hear me falling apart. I didn’t want my husband to know how broken I was. And it was then and there that I made a vow. I wanted to help find a cure for Meniere’s disease in whatever way I could.

In 2004, I had one shot of gentamicin (the full dosage, not the low dose given now to preserve hearing). It stopped my vertigo, and I was able to reclaim my life.

Since 2013, I have volunteered twice as a Meniere’s research subject at the University of Queensland (Australia) Brain and Mind Centre, released two Meniere’s picture books (Vanilla Swirl for mothers and Blueberry Swirl for Fathers, both gorgeously illustrated by the talented Shez Kennington), and 2 novels – The Colour of Broken with a main character with Meniere’s disease, and the sequel, All the Colours Above, with Meniere’s disease in it again, to raise awareness about Meniere’s disease. I donate 100% profits to research of the University of Sydney Brain and Mind Centre, where they have a dedicated Meniere’s disease research team.  

If you’d like to purchase any of these:

Vanilla Swirl

Blueberry Swirl

The Colour of Broken: print book & ebook audiobook (narrated by the incredible Heather Davies)

All the Colours Above: print book & ebook

In January 2020, I released a Yearly Meniere’s Journal in response to the emotional pain I absorb, witnessing people struggle in the many Meniere’s support groups I am in. While I was reading comments, I thought back to before I had a gentamicin injection to stop the vertigo, and what I used to take with me to my ENT – it was a daily journal of my symptoms. And so I created one for Meniere’s Disease for people to use.

Roll-on to November 2021, and there seems to be more and more people being diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease, struggling to understand it and how they can take control of their lives. So I revisited my January 2020 Journal, added more details, and shortened the book to just 3 months so it would be more affordable. It’s a valuable tool, and perfect for looking for patterns and tracking triggers, and for taking to your doctor or ENT to show them exactly what you are suffering daily.

A gift for Christmas

The new journal is hot off the press, and I want to gift you the FREE PDF to download and print out.

daily-detailed-3-month-menieres-disease-journal-december-2021Download

It’s also available as a print book if you would prefer – 100% profits are donated to Meniere’s Research Fund Inc at the The University of Sydney and Macquarie University

Purchase the print book here for Australia Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month : Wallace, Julieann: Amazon.com.au: Books For USA Amazon.com: Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month: 9780645158106: Wallace, Julieann: Books For UK Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month: Amazon.co.uk: Wallace, Julieann: 9780645158106: Books Also available at any online bookstore e.g. Booktopia Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month by Julieann Wallace | 9780645158106 | Booktopia , Barnes and Noble Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month by Julieann Wallace, Paperback | Barnes & Noble® (barnesandnoble.com) Powell’s Daily Meniere’s Journal – 3 Month: Julieann Wallace: Trade Paperback: 9780645158106: Powell’s Books (powells.com)

Wishing you a very happy Christmas, and looking forward to us finding a cure in the very near future, or even something that will successfully control all of our symptoms, one that works for everyone, not just for some.

The spark of hope can never be extinguished!

Julieann Wallace is a multi-published author and artist. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary teacher. Julieann’s 7th novel with a main character with Meniere’s disease—‘The Colour of Broken’—written under her pen name of Amelia Grace, was #1 on Amazon in its category twice, and was longlisted to be made into a movie or TV series by Screen Queensland, Australia. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

Follow Julieann –

https://www.facebook.com/julieannwallace.author

https://www.instagram.com/julieann_wallace_/

https://www.instagram.com/myshadow_menieres/

A FREE Meniere’s Daily Journal for 2021

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Happy 2021!

To welcome in the new year for my Meniere’s family and friends, here’s a free PDF of the Daily Meniere’s Journal I created in 2020. It’s for those who haven’t seen it before, are new to Meniere’s (i.m so sorry), or just need something like this to keep track of their day to day Meniere’s.

It’s a valuable tool to take to your doctor to show them your symptoms and how you are feeling everyday. I know there are people who bought the journal in 2020, and have already purchased another one for 2021.

Print the PDF out day by day, or month by month – however you want to use it. And you have permission to share it with others. I hope it helps you to find patterns or triggers so you can manage the horrendous Meniere’s disease a little better.

daily-menieres-journal-free-to-downloadDownload

The print book if you would prefer – Amazon.com: Daily Meniere’s Journal (9780648424451): Wallace, Julieann: Books

Julieann is a multi-published author and artist. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary teacher, editor, book designer, and book magician for other authors. Julieann’s 7th novel with a main character with Meniere’s disease—‘The Colour of Broken’—written under her pen name of Amelia Grace, hit #1 on Amazon in its category twice. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

The Color of Broken: Grace, Amelia: 9780648084662: Amazon.com: Books

It’s My Life, My Illness … Please Let Me Choose My Treatment

.Reading time 12 minutes.

‘I’m sorry. There is no cure.’

I die a little inside each time I hear someone with Meniere’s disease pleading for help, saying they can’t do it anymore, and when I hear the callout for prayer for someone who is suicidal from the insidious incurable disease … I’ve been there. I know exactly how it feels. I wish I had a magic wand to heal every one of us. Right now.

I get angry when I read Meniere’s patients being told by their doctors, ‘I’m sorry. There is nothing more we can do.’

Don’t accept it. There is more that can be done.

But … it also depends on what you are willing to do.

Let me tell you the short story of my journey.

1995 …

‘I’m sorry. There is no cure.’

‘No cure?’

‘No … no cure; no cause. But you’re not going to die from it.’ My ear specialist eyed me with caution. The bitterness of my diagnosis after five hours of testing was painful to acknowledge.  

‘Let’s wait and see how your symptoms go,’ he said.

I stepped out of the ENT’s office, trailed by a very dark shadow: Meniere’s disease. It was so large it cast a darkness over me like a heavy, storm cloud, ready to erupt into the strong spiralling wind of a hurricane or cyclone at any moment. I knew the symptoms of my diagnosis well. I lived them with every breath that I took, mixed with fear and anxiety: aural fullness, hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo – the abhorrent violent vertigo – a life changer. 

I felt like I was given a prison sentence.

Where was the key to escape from Meniere’s disease? 

Wait and see how my symptoms go? Why? It could be a mild form that had little impact on my life, or it could go into remission.

But mine didn’t.

Thank you to the creator of this list.

After return visits to my ENT I was given a diuretic and Stemetil. That was it. And that was all they had in 1996. End of story.

But was it?

As my Meniere’s disease kicked into overdrive, destroying every bit of happiness I had in my life, the worst my ENT had seen, I got up to fight. Life was brutally unfair. Why was Meniere’s disease even a thing? It’s so cruel.

I was angry. I wasn’t going to accept “there’s no more we can do”. So I took control.

1. I started journaling my lifestyle vertigo attacks – what I did, ate, or drank beforehand an episode, trying to find a trigger or a pattern – and I discovered one – every two months I would have four hours of violent vertigo for nine days in a fortnight. Sometimes ending up in hospital.

2. I started my own research online when we finally had a home computer.

3. I researched and tried natural therapies.

4. I tried acupuncture.

5. I had my jaw alignment checked for TMJ (temporomandibular joint).

6. I listened to sound therapy for months on end – the Tomatis effect.

7. I took my research to my ENT, every visit. I’m sure he let out a sigh every time he saw my name on his patient list for the day. And when I found a Japanese doctor who claimed that the anti-viral Acyclovir cured people of their Meniere’s disease, my ENT was doubtful, but told me to give it a go. It cost me around $375 for each script from my GP – and that’s another story. It didn’t work.

8. I tried Serc.

But still, the debilitating vertigo rendered me defenceless. Incapacitated. And mentally, I found myself at the bottom of the darkest abyss with no hope, wearing a mask with a smile, covering up my very, very deep and dark depression.  

2004 …

9. I tried prednisone. For one day I felt like a normal person. And then my vertigo returned.

10. I had a grommet inserted into my eardrum. It did nothing.

The doctor’s words were full of apology. And frustration. ‘I’m sorry. There is nothing more we can do.’

‘Nothing more?’ My heart sunk. There was no horizon of hope, like the sun’s rays projecting onto the twilight canvas. It had disappeared into the darkness. Like me.

Just me and the beast: Meniere’s.

My ENT looked gutted. ‘Well … we could try gentamicin injected into your middle ear, and if that doesn’t work, I can do a vestibular nerve section.’

‘I’ll take the gentamicin.’

‘It will destroy your balance cells. You will also lose some hearing.’

‘Does it stop the vertigo?’

‘It can. Yes.’

‘Then I’ll take the gentamicin.’ I didn’t care about losing more hearing. I couldn’t live with the vertigo. I was done …

2020 …

I’ve been vertigo free since 2004. But the gentamicin injected into my middle ear was not the low dose gentamicin offered now, it was the full strength, and I remember my ENT saying that he added bi-carbonate of soda and sterile water to the mix to make the toxic antibiotic penetrate better. I now have my life back. And my shadow, Meniere’s, is a small thing that follows me around, a reminder that I am a survivor and a fighter.

I have to admit, I’m a little jealous of newly diagnosed Meniere’s people now. You have so much more HOPE than I did when I started my Meniere’s journey 25 years ago. There are far more medications and treatment options and success stories, and support groups and people who have started blogs and websites for MD people.

You have so much more.

And remember, you can choose. Like I did. Make sure you have a supportive ENT. I’m eternally thankful to my ENT and his care and compassion. And now my new ENT for his skill with my Cochlear Implant that has allowed me to hear again after 15 years.

Meniere’s Warriors:

This is your weapon—Research—scour the internet for everything about Meniere’s disease and treatment options. Present them to your ENT. You are your best advocate. It’s your life. You take control.

This is your plan—Trial—approaches and treatments that people are having successes with (after researching – there’s a lot of scammers/snake oil salespeople/quacks out there trying to make money out of our suffering).   

This is your mantra—Never give up and reach out. We’ve got this, together.

Doctors, this is our plea: please let us choose our steps to wellness, to a better life where we can find joy again, where we can take back what Meniere’s disease has taken from us. Please don’t say “there is nothing more you can do”. We have suffered more than enough.

I’m looking forward to the day when I hear: ‘Here’s the bad news. You have Meniere’s disease. Here’s the good news—we can fix it!’’

To help you out in your MD journey, I have a two freebies you can download:

* Meniere’s Checklist of Treatment FREEDownload
* 365 Day Meniere’s Journal to track patterns and triggers FREE Download

The spark of hope can never be extinguished. A cure for Meniere’s disease is coming …

I write this blog with the knowledge of the great diversity of experiences of people with Meniere’s disease in mind. Some suffer greatly. Some little. Some people respond to medications. Some don’t. Some can still function with little disruption to their daily lives. Some don’t.

I also write acknowledge that there are many debilitating incurable illnesses, and I am in not in any way discrediting or minimalizing another person’s illness.

Julieann Wallace is a best-selling author, artist and teacher. She is continually inspired by the gift of imagination, the power of words and the creative arts. She is a self-confessed tea ninja, Cadbury chocoholic, and has a passion for music and art. She raises money to help find a cure for Meniere’s disease, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing. playing. 

https://www.julieannwallaceauthor.com/

The Colour of Broken is my best-selling novel (written under my pen name) that has a character with Meniere’s disease. It hit #1 on Amazon in it’s category a more than once. It can be bought at any online bookstore, including Amazon.

The Daily Meniere’s Journal is a 365 day print book to record your MD symptoms to find triggers and patterns. It can be bought on any online bookstore, including Amazon.

All profits from these books are donated to Meniere’s research to help find a cure.

I am mindful of those who also have incurable diseases or are walking the path of a diagnosis that is life changing. My blog never aims to undermine the severity of anyone else’s illness, disability or journey. We all deal with life with different tolerances, attitudes and thresholds. ‘My Shadow -Meniere’s’ is my journey. It is my hope that it can help others with Meniere’s disease, or hearing loss, or simply when life has a plot twist.

I also acknowledge those before me, who have Meniere’s Disease or a Cochlear Implant. Your experiences, advice and suggestions are welcome.

My Hearing Addiction

.Reading time 10 minutes.

The rain is falling on our tin roof. I step off the veranda with my umbrella, and close my eyes. A tear slips down my cheek. I can hear droplets of water battering the umbrella with two ears. For the first time in 15 years. It’s a big deal. I never thought I would hear the world around me again in my left ear, except for the five torturing sounds of loud, relentless tinnitus – louder than any rock concert or loud party I had attended – a symptom of the abhorrent Meniere’s disease.

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The rain is in ‘surround sound’. It’s surreal. I twirl, slowly, without losing my balance. My own type of raindance, keeping my cochlear implant processor dry.

Bliss. Happiness. Beyond thankful.

My homeland has gone from heartbreaking drought to catastrophic fires to flooding rain. But nobody is complaining. Rain is water. And water is life.

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After a long moment of mindfulness, I return to my study. I have work to do. Learning to hear again. Not just sounds, but words and sentences to understand conversations to allow me to be confident with interactions with people, friends and family, and to restore my social life.

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I can’t lie. I was more nervous about the ‘switch-on’ of my cochlear implant – where you finally discover if the electrodes work, how many work, and whether you can hear, or not – than the almost two-hour surgery.

I was never really certain about what I would actually hear with my cochlear implant. And there were no guarantees that I would hear well, or at all, after 15 years of deafness from Meniere’s disease. I wondered, if I could hear, would it sound like ‘normal’ hearing? Would I be able to understand speech? Would I be able to hear music? Or, would I be lost in a world of robotic hearing that is so terrible and irritating that I will regret having the procedure done? What if it is not successful?

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I’m taking an enormous leap of faith. I’m diving into an unknown world. How many times have I read the words, “I’m too scared to get a cochlear implant!”?

On the flip side, how many times have I read the words,

“It will change your life!”

Before being activated, I watched online cochlear implant simulators that claim to sound like what is heard with a cochlear implant, but many of them didn’t sound like my implant. And many were dated a very long time ago, when the technology was new. Hearing with a cochlear implant has come along way since then.

The video that I think is close to what hearing with cochlear implant technology is like, is this one – and that was in 2014. Since then, cochlear implant technology has been improved and refined.

Learning to hear. It’s a new territory for me. A new journey. But one I am excited about.

I did a silent dance of victory when my cochlear audiologist told me I had to listen to audiobooks for at least 30 minutes a day to learn to hear. I LOVE reading!

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And then there were the apps for my iPhone (thanks to Apple for the direct connectivity to my CI – the Nucleus Smart). Apps filled with common environmental sounds; sight words; matching the sound to the visual word; matching the picture to the sound; word discrimination; sentences; and more (there’s a list of apps at the end of this blog).

The moment I started to listen to the audiobook, ‘The Lake House’, by Kate Morton, and followed the words in my print book, I startled.

Learning to hear is just like learning to read!

I should know. Over my teaching career, I’ve given thousands of students the gift of reading.

But with learning to hear, instead of learning what a word looks like in print, you are learning what a word sounds like. I’ve decided to call it a ‘SoundPrint‘. I don’t know whether that’s a real thing, but I like the concept of it. I like the thought of making a ‘SoundPrint‘ in my cochlear implant ear to make new hearing memories, and connecting stored memories of my once upon a time hearing to my new hearing. It’s like bringing beautiful colours of hearing back to the greyness of my deaf ear.

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I’ve got to admit, I’m addicted to my cochlear implant hearing. When I don’t have my CI processor on, I feel like a piece of me is missing, and I recede to my former self, the other me, all my senses on high alert – I didn’t realise how exhausting my life was before my new bionic hearing.

The gift of hearing. Thank you can never be enough to Professor Graeme Clark AC, the inventor of the multi-channel cochlear implant. My heart smiles everyday, thanks to you.

P.S. Some of the apps I use for learning to hear:

• Join your local library so you can download audiobooks. I choose the audiobook for print books I already have at home so I can follow the printed text while listening.
• Hearoes  https://www.games4hearoes.com/  FREE https://www.facebook.com/hearoesapp/
• Angelsound http://angelsound.tigerspeech.com/ FREE
• Children’s picture books are highly recommended – use Storyline Online https://www.storylineonline.net/ You can turn on captions, or, if you want to challenge yourself, turn them off

  • I’ve started compiling my Spotify Cochlear Music Collection – Cochlear Implant Music by Jules – it’s a work in progress, and I’m still on a learning curve with music. But I have discovered, that if I already know the song, it is easier to ‘pair’ the music with my cochlear implant hearing and my music memories before hearing loss 😊

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Julieann Wallace is a best-selling author, artist and teacher. She is continually inspired by the gift of imagination, the power of words and the creative arts. She is a self-confessed tea-ninja, Cadbury chocoholic, and has a passion for music and art. She raises money to help find a cure for Meniere’s disease, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

‘The Colour of Broken‘ – The #1 Amazon bestselling book with a main character with Meniere’s disease – raising awareness and understanding.

Buy ‘The Colour of Broken’

Buy ‘The Color of Broken’

Buy the ‘Daily Meniere’s Journal’

Buy the ‘Monthly Meniere’s Journal’

100% profits from the above books are donated to medical research for Meniere’s disease to help find a cure.

About this blog …

My Shadow, Meniere’s, is not just about the physical aspect of a Cochlear Implant – you can research about them online. I am sharing the human side of the journey towards a Cochlear Implant – feelings, appointments, the process, apprehensions, successes, highs and lows as I step into the next chapter of my Meniere’s journey.

I am mindful of those who also have incurable diseases or are walking the path of a diagnosis that is life changing. My blog never aims to undermine the severity of anyone else’s illness, disability or journey. We all deal with life with different tolerances, attitudes and thresholds. ‘My Shadow -Meniere’s’ is my journey. It is my hope that it can help others with Meniere’s disease, or hearing loss, or simply when life has a plot twist.

I also acknowledge those before me, who have already had a Cochlear Implant. Your experiences, advice and suggestions are welcome.

Meniere's and me

It Will Change Your Life #1

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Monday, 21.10.19

The day is overcast, mirroring my mood. Today, I go for a Cochlear Implant “work-up” for my left ear. I’ve been considering a Cochlear Implant for a while, but have bathed in the delusion that somehow, my hearing will come back. But of course, it won’t – it’s just my eternal hope that floats around me as I journey through the incurable Meniere’s disease.

My symptoms started in 1995. Ear fullness, like I had been swimming and still had water stuck in my ear canal. Bouts of unpredictable, violent vertigo. Tinnitus. And then came the hearing loss. Gradually.

I was 28. ‘Meniere’s is more common in men over 50,’ my ENT told me. Online information at the time backed up the statement.

Today, I sit looking out the window at the dark, heavy clouds, painting the state of my heavy heart and dark emotion. I’m 24 years into my Meniere’s journey, yet I’m filled with tingles of anxiety travelling over my skin like waves, with one big question bouncing around in my mind.

If I have a Cochlear Implant, will the disabling vertigo of Meniere’s disease return?

And I’m not just talking about being ‘dizzy’. The vertigo of Meniere’s disease for me was the most abhorrent, violent, room spinning. Totally debilitating. Hold on to the floor even though you are already on lying on the floor, stare at one spot on the wall for four or five hours until the spinning subsides. Beyond exhausting.   

And let’s not forget the relentless, vicious puking that feels like you’re about to turn inside-out, dehydrating the body so much you need to be transported to emergency at the hospital.

If you ever want to know how vertigo of Meniere’s feels, sit on an office swivel chair and get someone to spin you around as fast as they can, non-stop. Imagine not being able to stop it. For hours and hours and hours. Then imagine never being able to predict when vertigo will hit – because when it does, you are stuck wherever you are, and you absolutely can not move, as it will make the spinning impossibly worse. This is the vertigo of Meniere’s. Hell.

In 2004 I made the choice to destroy the balance cells in my left ear to stop the debilitating, violent vertigo. The bottle of gentamicin was now my hope. My ENT injected it into my middle ear.

Imagine for one moment, having to make the choice about destroying your balance cells. Balance. Yeah – that thing. Something you never even think about. Your body just does it for you.

I relearned my balance and retaught myself to walk with a new normal, using my eyesight as my guide for balance. But compared to the unpredictable vertigo, the destruction to my vestibular system was an answered prayer. It changed my life. It gave me my life back. With physical limitations. I was no longer spiralling down into the darkness of the Meniere’s prison where there is no escape.

But back to my question – if I have a Cochlear Implant, will the disabling vertigo return? And if it does, what does it mean for my life after living vertigo free for 15 years? 

eyeandear.org.au Adapted from images courtesy of Cochlear Ltd

I’m taking a risk. I know that. The thought of having vertigo again terrifies me. My vertigo years were a very, very dark emotional place to be. Once upon a time I had a life and lived it fully – working full-time in a job I loved, physically able to do what I pleased, and engaged in a social life. I was happy. Then Meniere’s hit, and took it all away. Every waking moment was lived in fear of a vertigo attack. Sleep was not even a safe place. I would wake in the night, spinning violently, unable to close my eyes for four or five hours until it stopped.

I need answers from my ENT and my Otologist whom I am yet to see. Can my Meniere’s vertigo return due to the Cochlear Implant?

I walk out the front door and lock it behind me, anxiety joining me for the Cochlear Implant work-up appointment. Anxiety. We have been friends for a long time. Introduced to each other by my dark, dark shadow, Meniere’s disease.

Friends already fitted with Cochlear Implants tell me it will change my life … I sigh and wonder which way it will change my life.

Just breathe, I tell myself …

To be continued.

Julieann is a multi-published author and artist who is continually inspired by the gift of imagination and the power of words. When she is not disappearing into her imaginary worlds as Julieann Wallace – children’s author, or as Amelia Grace – fiction novelist, she is working as a secondary art teacher, editor, book designer, and book magician for other authors. Julieann’s 7th novel ‘The Colour of Broken’ with a main character with Meniere’s disease hit #1 on Amazon in its category twice – all profits are donated to Meniere’s research. Julieann is a self-confessed tea ninja and Cadbury chocoholic, has a passion for music and art, and tries not to scare her cat, Claude Monet, with her terrible cello playing.

The Color of Broken: Grace, Amelia: 9780648084662: Amazon.com: Books

The Colour of Broken: Grace, Amelia: 9780648084624: Amazon.com: Books

Amazon.com: Daily Meniere’s Journal (9780648424451): Wallace, Julieann: Books