December 16^th. Three days before the Cochlear Implant surgery…

I am engulfed by the feeling of peace. It is flowing through me, around me.

I should be happy. But this sense, three days away from my Cochlear Implant surgery worries me. It confuses me. Where has my friend, Anxiety, gone? My shadow, Meniere’s, looks at me and shrugs.

Some people say anxiety is an illness. A mental health condition. A disorder. A disability. But I have never seen it that way. Anxiety, for me, is a super ability. It allows me to look at a situation, and see every possible scenario where something could go wrong, and allows me to have a plan in place in my head to react if something does go wrong. Even when it is paralysing and jumps out of nowhere while you try to work out what triggered it, going through the motions of a panic attack. It can be so irrational.  

In fact, I feel so peaceful, that the reality that I am having surgery to insert bionics into my head does not phase me at all. It’s surreal, like a dream that will not happen. It’s no threat to my being. However, it is so disturbing, that again I am questioning whether I should be getting a Cochlear Implant. I’m okay with hearing with one ear, aren’t I? I don’t in fact need a Cochlear Implant. My life is floating along on calm waters …

What has changed?

In the middle of the year I was hit with the truth that I was losing hearing in my good ear. I had been living in denial of the results of a hearing test two years prior. I was struggling to hear students at school, and constantly on high alert using my vision to pick up on any nuances, facial expressions, non-verbal behaviours that would tell me that I had misheard and misunderstood. This combination sent me into a downward spiral with a decision made in an instant to get a cochlear implant, so that I have some sort of hearing in my future.

But now, I am on school holidays. I happily disappear into my imagination all the time where I never have to rely on my hearing. I am having one-on-one conversations with my family, facing them, and their voices are not competing with background noise.

Life is good.

December 18^th. One day before the Cochlear Implant surgery…

I leave the house with a bounce in my step, my shadow, Meniere’s, follows close behind. I am meeting two dear friends for lunch.

The moment we see each other we smile. The universal language that puts you at ease. I sit at a rectangular table, a friend on either side with me. My shadow, Meniere’s, sits opposite me with a smirk on his face, knowing that I have sat in the wrong place, and I won’t be able to hear my friend on the left. I glare at my shadow, Meniere’s. He is not always right!

After 5 minutes, I ask my friend on my left to change seats with me so I can hear better. As I stand, I scowl at my shadow, Meniere’s. He is always right. And I am always stubborn.

Halfway through our lunch, I sit back. I have mental fatigue from trying to hear our conversations, from reading facial cues, lips, and gestures, but not well enough the hear the conversation with 100% confidence. My friend’s voices are in competition with loud background noise, and my even louder tinnitus. Two times, a waiter has appeared on my left, and I had no idea that he was standing there asking me a question. By the third time, my friend told me he was approaching so I was aware.

I feel like I am on the outside. A spectator. I withdraw inside myself a little and sigh, but stay actively engaged in what conversation I can hear, and join the conversation only when I am 100% confident I have understood what they are talking about. There is no doubt. I do need a cochlear implant. Without it, I will continue on the spiral to being a social recluse, watching life go by.

Thank goodness for the perfect timing of friends. Without that lunch with my two dear friends, I would have been left forever wondering whether getting a Cochlear Implant was the right thing to do.

Next … surgery day.

About this blog …

My Shadow, Meniere’s, is not just about the physical aspect of a Cochlear Implant – you can research about them online. I am sharing the human side of the journey towards a Cochlear Implant – feelings, appointments, the process, apprehensions, successes, highs and lows as I step into the next chapter of my Meniere’s journey.

I am mindful of those who also have incurable diseases or are walking the path of a diagnosis that is life changing. My blog never aims to undermine the severity of anyone else’s illness, disability or journey. We all deal with life with different tolerances, attitudes and thresholds.  ‘My Shadow -Meniere’s’ is my journey. It is my hope that it can help others with Meniere’s disease, or hearing loss, or simply when life has a plot twist.

I also acknowledge those before me, who have already had a Cochlear Implant. Your experiences, advice and suggestions are welcome.